Skyfall

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated Nov 29 2012

6 James Bonds, 23 movies, and 50 years later,  the franchise has evolved into something that resembles very little of Bond. For someone who bought the ticket to see him, it is the first time I hoped evolution is a myth. 

Skyfall, the latest film of the legendary Bond series,  tells the story of a battle of both wits and strength between James Bond (Daniel Craig)  and a former MI6 agent turned super villain named Raoul Silva  (Javier Bardem). The film begins with Bond and another filed agent called Eve Moneypenny (Naomie Harris) chasing an assassin who has stolen a disc containing vital information. During the chaos Moneypenny shoots Bond by mistake and the film would've ended right then and there BUT WAIT! Bond survives the shot and is now on the quest of finding out who the mastermind is behind the disc heist. Emerges Silva, the former operative of MI6 seeking revenge after being abandoned in a mission-gone-wrong by M (Judi Dench), the head of MI6. With great intellect and a ruthless will, Silva pushes both M and Bond to the brink and the survival of Britain's Secret Intelligence Service is threatened like never before. Your garden-variety doomsday scenario, fun fun. 

The problem with Skyfall isn't about the quality of the film. Sure the chase sequence is not on par with the Bourne franchise (what is?) ,  the plot is no more exciting than Haywire, and Judi Dench's M is even less interesting than Jeffrey Tambor's Tom Manning (Hellboy 2004). But all in all the film still works as an action thriller. The structure of the story is sound, several shots are breathtakingly beautiful (the building nightlight fight between Bond and the French assassin in particular, poetry without words that was), and the direction of Sam Mendes holds everything afloat. Also, having Javier Bardem playing your villain is almost like cheating, the man is that good.

So what went wrong? the answer to that riddle lies in the essence of the movie. Skyfall, while an above-average action film, really isn't a James Bond film. In the most classic Bond movies, the franchise indulged the audiences with cool cars, fancy tux, beautiful women (plural), smooth dialogues, and mysterious characters. These elements may not be necessities in most movies, but they are unquestionably vital to any Bond movie. James Bond is supposed to be cool, he is supposed to be graceful, he is supposed to drive cars that make you go daaammmmmmmmn, date women you'd never dream of approaching and speak in ways that make people want to remove their pants, regardless of their gender.  Almost none of these were met. The Skyfall Bond is less interesting than the antagonist Silva, much less. When Bond speaks it's usually reactionary which makes his words less charismatic. He did not get to drive any cool vehicles (save for a super vintage Aston Martin) nor did he get to use any interesting gadgets (save for a palm-print handgun). His only real "love-interest" was Severine (Berenice Marlohe) and she holds as much intrigue as a glass of water does to the Honey Boo Boo child (or common sense does to Ann Coulter). Above all, Bond felt more like a supporting character to M, as Silva cares only about M, not at all Bond. When the villain doesn't give 2 hoots about Bond, why should the audience? If James Bond isn't the driving force of the film, then why should I pay to see a James Bond movie? The franchise is selling you a character, not a story.  And in the absence of the character, the movie inevitably fails. 

A fine action movie but not a Bond movie.  Perhaps the biggest crime was that Bond didn't get to be Bond, and that was one threat not even James Bond could've rescued us from. My name is Danny and I endorse this message.

Premium Rush

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated Aug 27 2012

Just like anyone who enjoys living, I hate bikers. And to think bicycle messenger is a legitimate profession? My gosh, if that is not the first sign of the Apocalypse, I don't know what is. GOOOOOSH DARN IT I hate bikers, I mean, seriously, you are a danger to pedestrians, cars, yourself, and most importantly, ME! .........the movie's ok though. Ooooh a twist, bet you didn't see that coming did ya you silly rabbit, trix are for kids. 

Premium Rush, along with its cheesy name, tells the very cheesy story of a mother Nima (Jamie Chung) trying to save her son but in doing so has to fight off a corrupted cop named Bobby Monday (Michael Shannon) who is in some serious gambling debt. Nima enlists the help of two bike messengers Wilee (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) and Vanessa (Dania Ramirez) who just happened to be a couple fighting so naturally they have to solve their relationship problem while fighting off the evil cop, all at the same time. A plausible premise? Not if you treasure logic and common sense like the rest of us normal folks. 

I often wondered why directors/actors/producers make movie of this caliber. It is clear that you won't win any awards and the gross number won't be anywhere near impressive. Best case scenario is that the film gains marginal acclaims and makes enough profit to avoid a loss, but seriously, what'd be the point? Is it really worth all the trouble of months and months of production efforts just to beat mediocrity all the while knowing you'd never achieve greatness with it? This type of film falls in the no man's land of movies. It isn't good enough to wow, but it isn't bad enough to piss you off either. It has a clear commercial objective but it is neither innovative (Star Trek 2009) or crappy-but-proven-formula worthy (Anything Adam Sandler has done after 2000 except for Punch Drunk Love) to make any serious dough (dough here means money, for my street-cred-lacking readers, you are welcome). What's even more perplexing is that it is CLEAR the director David Koepp and his casts know exactly what they have to work with and decided to make it anyway. Life is full of mysteries evidently. 

The Bourne Legacy

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated Aug 24 2012

So evidently there's still milk in the Bourne franchise's teet, and I am glad they invited me to suck it with them. Yeah that sounded wrong, let's move on.

The fourth and latest installment of the Bourne series, "The Bourne Legacy" tells the story of not Jason Bourne (Matt Damon), but a new protagonist named Aaron Cross (Jeremy Renner). Just like Bourne, Cross is a trained government "asset" (or operative, or assassin, or I-can-kill-you-with-my-nose-hair bad ass), but unlike Bourne, Cross is not from Operation Treadstone, but another program called Operation Outcome. After the Bourne story is brought to the public's eyes by Pamela Landy (Joan Allen), Eric Byer (Edward Norton), a high level intelligence director-type, decides to wipe out every Outcome agents to prevent the project from seeing the light of day. Byer managed to wipe out everyone related to Outcome, all except for Cross and a scientist named Marta (Rachel Weisz) who was involved with Outcome's medication development. Now on the run and out of meds that enhance Outcome agents' physical strength and intelligence, Cross must find a way to save Marta, survive from the relentless chase from Byer and his goons, and most importantly, remain Aaron Cross at all costs. 

Mulholland Drive (2001)

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated Aug 06 2012

Do you know why we do not have topless women walking about at all times, awesome though it may be? Because that would be logically incomprehensible. Logic is our friend, it keeps the world from falling apart (It and George Clooney). In Mulholland Drive, logic was ran over, backed up and ran over again, and then finally abandoned by the side of the road and what was left for the audience is one of the most irritating film I've ever seen. Which of course explains why on the right hand side of this retro reel review you don't see the usual picture of a DVD because, gladly, I don't own this piece of... work. 

How can I possibly do a plot overview for this time waster? No one can, not even if you bring me everyone (Yeah I know that joke doesn't work but I love Oldman! the actor, not actual old man...this joke does work incidentally). Nothing makes sense in this movie. Every plot line, every subplot lines, every relationships, every actions, every reactions, every smile, every stare, every set and every one involved ultimately do not matter because nothing is connected to anything. What is perhaps the most frustrating thing about this film is that it actually managed to disguise its "nonsense"ness well enough for about 2/3 of the whole movie. Only at the end does the film reveals its true nature: a pile of scenes and dialogues that served no purpose, none whatsoever. When the end credit start rolling, you the audience will immediately realize that everything you've just seen made absolutely no sense at all. What director David Lynch did was that he made hints along the way implying that the audience will have an explanation in the end. In fact the entire film is constructed in this fashion: using Naomi Watts and Laura Harring to play two roles each so you'd think the characters are connected to each other in some mysterious and fascinating manner because they are played by the same person, cutting scenes in a way that you'd see the same person from a previous plot showing up in a later story so the two parts seemed to relate to each other, and placing an irreverent but consistent character in different settings to string the many different bits together so they seem to be in the same storyline. It is a solid buildup, only the prophet turned out to be false and the buildup was to a vast galaxy of nothingness where sense goes to die.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated July 30 2012

The start of it all, the ultimate comedy, the original of the originals. These are the only descriptions worthy for arguably the funniest movie ever made."Monty Python and the Holy Grail" is the triumph, the victory, or perhaps more fittingly, the holy grail that every comedians should aim to achieve. 

Written, directed, and performed by the legendary British comedy group Monthy Python, the film follows King Arthur and his knights of the round table on their quest to seek the holiest of grails. On the journey the band of warriors encounters a castle full of desperate women, faces off with a group of French soldiers who must have majored in the art of taunting back in college, assaulted a wedding and subsequently killing almost everyone, burned a witch, met an enchanter named Tim, and battled a beast so foul and so cruel it will leave you in tears with nasty, pointy teeth. The tale is as old as time, but the telling of the story, even 37 years later, is still as fresh as mentos. Unbelievably funny, this film is the embodiment of everything that makes us laugh and giggle. Sure we never did get to see the round table itself or Camelot for that matter(just as well, it is a silly place; see if you saw this movie already you'd get the joke), and much of the movie doesn't make sense logically. But director Terry Gilliam and the geniuses in Monty Python managed to turn a bunch of nonsense into something that is bizarrely sensible in this ridiculous world they created. When Sir Lancelot (John Cleese) stormed a castle by himself, you don't feel absurd but rather assured. When King Arthur battled the black knight, you don't see irrationalities but comedic probabilities. When Sir Bedevere (Terry Jones) educated a mob on witches, you don't feel cheated but you are almost led into believing that what he said really is how you identify a witch...the list goes on and on. A genuine masterpiece, this film is a must see if you love comedy.

I've limited the movie clips to only one in this review because I don't want to ruin the experience for you. But oh kids there are so many things I wanted to show you (the holy hand grenade, the knights who say "Ni!", the historian and the riding knight, the bridge of death, the relentless Black Knight....). There will be plenty more Michael Bay explosion extravaganzas before the world see another magnum opus like Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Go rent it, borrow it, or beg for it if you have to, this one is a must see. Definitely rated as awesome, your world will be brighten within 1 min into the film. Oh and children, just wait till you see their horses, just you wait. My name is Danny and I endorse this message. 

The Dark Knight Rises

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated July 23 2012

No movie is perfect, but this one is pretty darn close. The Dark Knight Rises  is the best movie of the year thus far and I do not expect its status to be challenged anytime soon. 

This third and final installment of director Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy picks up 8 years since where the second movie left off: after the death of Harvey "Two Face" Dent and Rachel Dawes, Bruce Wayne aka Batman (Christian Bale) went into retirement as Gotham City is now a peaceful and organized crime-free sanctuary... or so it would seem. A new threat named Bane (Tom Hardy), a former member of the League of Shadows so extreme in his thinking that even the league's former master Ra's al Ghul (Liam Neeson) felt necessary to cast him out. Armed with an army of undyingly royal followers and an unshakable belief inherited from the fallen league leader, Bane arrives at Gotham aiming to take everything down and will stop at nothing to achieve this goal. Despite the heartfelt urging from Alfred (Michael Caine) to stay away, Bruce decides to put on his mask and become the crusader once again to save his beloved city. Along the way he encounters a cat burglar Selina Kyle (Anne Hathaway), meets up with his trusted friend Fox (Morgan Freeman), helps an old ally Jim Gordon (Gary Oldman), sees the future for Gotham in John Blake (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), and embraces a new love interest in Miranda Tate (Marion Cotillard). Making a last stand against an enemy of unprecedented strength and cunning, the batman pushes all his chips forward in this final showdown. If that didn't give you goosebumps, then you are the tin man without a heart.

Feeling Old in a Club

Written by Ruey of The Ruey Review
Updated 20 July 2012

Cindies, the notoriously trashy club in Cambridge

Last week a very good friend from my undergrad and banking days came to visit me in Cambridge. He was a very shy guy in university but then he later became a club-dwelling party-animal, some may even call him a “club-rat”. Anyways, he was very very excited about the notion of heading to a night club even in a medieval town like Cambridge so I took him out to a trashy night club famous for its unpleasant smell and skanky, classless under-aged girls. The club is called “Cindies”. However, from this point the ridiculing of this crass lame excuse for a night out shall stop as any further comments can be interpreted as insults on my dear friend considering the amount of fun and excitement he had on that night.

This story is about me feeling incredibly old at a night club filled with young trashy girls. I am sure many guys my age, or even many older than me would be excited about the idea of heading to a club full of extremely young girls in skimpy outfits. However I am not one of them. Young trashy girls, or even young girls for that matter, just don't arouse me the way a sheep can arouse a male Kiwi.

Putting the issue of the quality of females aside, I am at the age where I realized the reality of a club NOT being a good place FOR ME to meet women. I envy the people enjoy meeting members of the opposite sex but I am not one of them. This is because I can never hear what anyone is saying with the music so loud. Also, because I simply lack what many people refer to as... "game". Even when I encounter females who try to pick me up (Yes, even I can attract women, clubs do tend to lack lighting ok?), I feel very intimidated. After all, they are strangers in the dark.

The one thing that made me feel very out-of-place and extremely old was the MUSIC. I realized after a while that I recognized only 20% of the songs played in the club. Moreover, these 20% that I recognized I didn't even know their titles and artists. I had only heard those songs from the previous nights out, which I do perhaps once every one or two months. I cannot even tell you which songs I heard because I really don't know them.

So, that was my grumpy old man's rant on a club that youngsters go to. There are people who can continue enjoy clubbing going into their 30's. Unfortunately I am not one of them. I am too old to be anticipating "getting lucky" at a night club and too old to be recognizing what music is "in" these days. Yes, I'm a hater and I'm old and grumpy, bite me.

Cambridge May Balls: Trinity vs. John's

Written by Ruey of The Ruey Review
Updated 17 July 2012

"May Week is the name used within the University of Cambridge to refer to a period at the end of the academic year. Originally May Week took place in the week during May before year-end exams began. Today, May Week takes place in June. The end of exams is a cause for heavy celebration amongst the students of the University. Highlights of the week include May Balls, June Events and garden parties. A May Ball is a ball at the end of the academic year that happens at any one of the colleges of the University of Cambridge."

-Wikipedia-

St. John's New Court all Lit-up, very Pretty

As it is the Ruey man’s one and only year in Cambridge, he decided to go big in this one and only year. This year I bought tickets to two of the world-famous Cambridge May Balls; held by Trinity College and St. John’s College. The two rivalry colleges are the richest colleges in Cambridge and their May Balls are often said to be the most extravagant and they often compete with each other in the organizations of their May Balls. As a part of this competition, the two colleges usually hold their May Balls on successive evenings. Therefore, attending both colleges’ balls made May Week 2012 very tiring indeed for me. Each ball can cost from  £145 first hand (college members only) up to more than £300 second hand. Today, the Ruey Review will provide a comparative review for both balls in hopes of helping you decide which one of the over-the-top bourgeois party you may attend in case you want to experience just ONE of the two most well-renowned Cambridge May Ball in the future. (Other May Balls and June Events are great to attend as well but I ain’t got the time and energy to go to all of them in one year. Also, it is physically impossible as some colleges have events on the same nights)

Fireworks at the 2012 Trinity May Ball

Fireworks is one of the biggest draws for the May Balls at Trinity and St. John’s. The fireworks at both colleges were amazing. They were both choreographed with music. It still boggles my mind to this day how University-affiliated colleges like the mentioned two go to such lengths to arrange firework shows that are more extravagant and elegant than the ones put on on national days in most countries around the world. So, the two colleges are quite competitive over the issue of who has the better fireworks each year. Apparently St. John’s college, usually having its May Ball the day after Trinity’s , holds money in reserve each year to “up” Trinity upon observing the Trinity fireworks the previous night. Therefore, the conventional understanding is that John’s has better fireworks than Trinity. Personally, this year I thought it was a tie. I think it is true that John’s fireworks is more EPIC, but that does not make Trinity fireworks any less impressive in terms of extravagance and elegance. In the Trinity May Ball you do get a much better view of the fireworks as you can watch on one side of the river while the fireworks shoot up into the sky on the other, at very close range. Whereas in John’s you just get to watch a very impressive show on a large field without the River Cam being a part of the experience. At Trinity you can see the plebs who are not in the actual ball sitting in their punts on the River Cam looking up into the sky wishing that they can one day watch the fireworks on land. Moreover, Trinity had flamethrowers which were big pluses. I personally enjoyed the Trinity May Ball fireworks better because of the venue, but I do recognize that John’s fireworks was much bigger and Michael Bayer. So I say the fireworks showdown was a tie.

Queue for Food at St. John's

In terms of food selection at the ball, Trinity has a decisive victory over John’s. At Trinity you get oysters, truffles, nice champagne, great-tasting crepe. At John’s I only remember having bad kebab and mediocre steak and frites. Trinity definitely had more food selection and the quality was much more bourgeois, which is what balls are all about, right? In foods Trinity gets a clear win.

Musical Performances at Trinity

The musical concerts at both colleges were great. The main act at Trinity was the Vengaboys and at John’s was Magnetic Man. The cowboy and the sailor in Vengaboys made my night incredibly gay (happy) with their gayish gayness (cheerful homosexuality). The dub stepp'n by Magnetic Man made me feel incredibly gangster. I do think John’s has a better venue even though the concert stage at Trinity was much better-looking. Because of the way the Trinity concert stage was shaped, you cannot see much if you go to the sides. While at John’s you can go to the sides where there are less people and still get a perfect view of the band. I had much more fun at the John’s concert but because Vengaboys is much more internationally known I call this battle a tie. In some ways both colleges were losers anyways because Sidney Sussex College managed to get Kelis to perform at its May Ball. Regardless of the fun I had, Vengaboys and Magnetic Man cannot top Kelis, she’s got the milkshake.

Food Tent at Trinity, with Music of course

In terms of the contents of the variety of tents, one can definitely tell that each college focuses on different things. Trinity had more interesting, high quality “shows” for people to enjoy. There was even one tent where Burlesque shows were performed!! Yes, Burlesque. John’s had a comedy tent which I thought was not a great idea for a Ball. When you are at a Cambridge May Ball, you want to walk around, and see many things. Therefore I feel that it is more appropriate to have shows that are more visual and musical. Comedy stand-ups and sketches require focused attention, which is something that can be burdensome at a May Ball. Although it is important to note that I was a lot more drunk at the St John’s May Ball and therefore did not get to see all the tents present at the ball. I would give Trinity the win on the contents in the tents. Most tents at Trinity were more nicely decorated, with performances of more visually and musically impressive shows. John’s had fun tents with photo booths, massages, casinos and so on, however, the Trinity ones were much more impressive in the end. 

Bumper Carts, NOT "Dodge'em", at John's

It is important to note that at both balls there were bumper carts! Yes, bumper carts, on college grounds. This is how over-the-top these Cambridge May Balls are. In the U.K. they call it “Dodge’em” though, which makes absolutely no sense. In the arena you try to bump other cars and f*ck them up. You don’t “dodge’em”. The name is just so incredibly British. Both bumper carts were great at both colleges, both with very appropriate speed, and appropriate duration for each round of play. However, in terms of silly fun stuff like this... if I had to pick a winner, I would pick John’s. Because while both colleges had great bumper carts, John’s also had a giant inflatable slide for people to climb and slide down. Whoo~ hoo~~ yes. It was a lot of fun, don’t judge me. 

Trinity College's Nevile's Court

It is almost cliche in Cambridge to say, in comparing the May Balls of Trinity and St. John’s college, that Trinity is a ball and John’s is a party. I heard this before attending the balls from undergraduate students of both colleges, and this was true. The Trinity May Ball was very classy, bourgeois, and impressive; whereas John’s was also impressive but it had more of a “let’s have fun” atmosphere than the “let’s hold champagne and suck on oysters while we enjoy our time at this delightful event”. Having said this, this cliche is exactly the reason why I recommend you to go to the Trinity May Ball instead of the John’s one if you are going to only one for a Cambridge May Ball experience. This is because you can have a crazy fun party in any setting, but to experience a proper May Ball at Cambridge, you want to go somewhere as bourgeois, as over-the-top European upper-class, and as pretentious as possible. These are all something you will experience to the fullest at the Trinity May Ball. Trinity will not fail to impress you and blow your mind away. (My mind was truly blown away by the scale at which this college ball at a collegiate university was thrown) Although the St. John’s college May Ball was no less impressive, it was in the end, a ball that was dubbed a “party”, and if you came to a ball, you ball, don’t party!

This is Spinal Tap (1984)

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated July 15 2012

The mother of all mockumentaries as far as anyone should be concerned, in today's entertainment scene with the unstopping flow of shows like The Office (UK/US), Parks and Recreations, Trailer Park Boys, Modern Family, and Reno 911, it is time the world once again recognize this piece of greatness, that is, Spinal Tap. 

This trailblazer of cinema tells the story of documentary film maker Marty DiBergi's (Rob Reiner, also the director) making of a "rockumenatry" featuring the British heavy metal rock band Spinal Tap, which is led by the trio of David (Michael McKean), Nigel (Christopher Guest), and Derek (Harry Shearer). Neither the film maker nor the band is real, but the film's authenticity is shockingly genuine and the performances are incredibly believable almost to the point of absurdity. The film follows the band during its US tour and we witness it's fall from grace with laughs and giggles all the while forgetting that it is all made-up. The songs were well written, so well written in fact that I would've bought the record believing it to be a real rock album (though one probably would've had a hard time finding it at a record store) had it been available when I saw the movie. The grand achievement of this timeless classic, apart from it's unbelievably hilarious nature, is the fact that it presented its jokes with legitimate emotions and relationships, resulting in us believing in Spinal Tap so much that we cheer for the band to succeed, feel hurt for its failures, and rejoice for its comeback. In other words, we ended up feeling for a fictional band. In today's cinematic world, how many movies can inspire in this fashion? A rare few, if any. Genuine inspiration is impossible to fake, but Reiner managed to very nearly pull it off. To engage your audience, is that not the dream of every film maker and actor?

Ted

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated July 9 2012

Sometime a film maker will commit the crime of putting all the funniest jokes in the trailer to lure audiences, but in doing so he/she forgets that this makes the actual movie meaningless. It's the food equivalent of having pasta without tomato sauce because you ate the tomato earlier for snack and now the pasta sucks. I sure am glad that's not what happened here with "Ted"..........oh wait it totally DID happen with "Ted". F*****************************K. 

"Ted" is Seth MacFarlane's (of the Family Guy and American Dad fame) first none-animated feature film. It tells the story of  how John Bennett (Mark Wahlberg), a Boston native who made a wish when he was young that enabled his teddy bear to come to life, manages to juggle the balance between spending time with his girlfriend Lori (Mila Kunis) and hanging out with his fully-functioning-like-a-real-boy best friend/teddy bear Ted (Seth MacFarlane). Having one incident too many with Ted: partying, getting stoned, shitting on the floor (oooh yeah), Lori finally decides to force Ted out of their lives. Not being able to cope with parting after 27 years together, Ted and John continues to hang much to Lori's dismay. Then finally shit hits the fan and voila, John finds his life in pieces and is now in desperate need to sort his crap out. Will Ted be able to remain the best friend in John's life, or will Lori's love prevail?.....honestly midway through the movie I didn't really care anymore. All the good jokes and gags were in the trailer already, what's left is nothing but a shell of a film that is supposedly a comedy. A frail vessel of emptiness drifting through the sea of irrelevancy, oh yeah I am a poet and I know it.

Doubt (2008)

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated July 6 2012

Ever wonder what you should do when there's nothing good on at the theater? Go out and exercise? Enjoy nature? Pleeeeeeeease, being healthy is so 90's. Why go outside to be in the nature when one can just look at a painting of nature at the comfort of one's own home? People need to check themselves before they break themselves. And that's my gangster quota of the day. 

So if it isn't hip or rad to go out and be one with mother earth, what should we do for fun and giggles? FEAR NOT! From this week onwards The Ruey Review will solve that pickle for you by introducing our Awesome or Gruesome? Danny's Retro Reel Review Series ! A collection of movies that came out before 2012, movies you should either watch or burn when they are available for rent or purchase. That's right, watch or burn, with no middle-ground. I love hyperbole. 

We are kicking the series off with an "Awesome": "Doubt". So sit down and grab a bucket of chicken wings with a huge side serving of lard and a glass of beer. And enjoy the review, because it is amazing. 

The Dictator

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated July 2 2012

A comedy that lacks class, sense, and most importantly, humor. Pray tell, is there a sadder sight?

"The Dictator" is a comedy about the life of General Hafez Aladeen (Sacha Baron Cohen), a North African dictator from the Republic of Wadiya. He is evil, self-centered, cruel, silly, and rules his country like a turd sandwich. His uncle Tamir (Ben Kingsley) plots to unseat him by hiring a hitman (John C Reilly) to kill the general during their trip to the US. Of course, the plan failed and now Aladeen needs to find a way to return back to power, win the love of an environmentalist/feminist/activist/grocery store manager named Zoey (Anna Faris), stop some evil oil companies and shit on democracy before it is all too late. Oh and FYI, this plot summary is funnier than the actual film. Booya.

This movie sucked, what more is there to say? The plot is incredibly stupid, the acting from everyone is horrible (sadly that includes you too Sir Kingsley, why on earth did you take this role? You were the sexy beast Logan for crying out loud arrrrrrrrgh! What are you doing to yourself!!) no direction to speak of as the movie moves at a bizarre pace with no noticeable rhythm, and the engine that powers this train-wreck is Sacha Baron Cohen's "sense of humor", which is not really humor at all. What does make this film unique is that this is the first attempt by Cohen to do a scripted comedy. All three of his previous feature films with him as the leading man (Ali G Indahouse, Borat, Brüno) adopted a mocumentary approach, with Cohen in character and going into unscripted situation with non-actors. "The Dictator" took a more traditional comedic route, having written lines with trained actors and sets designed for specific effects. Perhaps due to the lack of experience, the film crashed and burned in disastrous fashion. Mr Cohen, perhaps you should leave comedy alone and go back to doing pranks. That's right, you just got served.

Prometheus

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated June 18 2012

You are going to hear people describing this film as “visually stunning!” and “breathtakingly beautiful!” and “Michael Fassbender may be the reason I turned gay!” and they’d be correct. However, beauty does not exclude this movie from being yet another victim of incoherent plot and writing. Alas, wasted opportunity.

“Prometheus” is a sci-fi directed by the much celebrated Sir Ridley Scott, the person who brought us "Alien", "Blade Runner", and introduced Russell Crowe to the world in "Gladiator". A prequel to the Alien franchise, “Prometheus” tells the story of an expedition gone wrong. Two young archaeologists named Elizabeth Shaw (Noomi Rapace) and Charlie Holloway (Logan Marshall-Green) discovered an “invitation” left on earth by what they believed to be the makers of mankind (The Pope just popped a blood vessel in Vatican City). Calling these makers “Engineers”, Shaw and Holloway convinced a billionaire named Peter Weyland (Guy Pearce) to fund them in the quest to travel to the planet the invitation indicated, hoping to find the origin of our kind. Accompanying the couple on this space trip are the cold and calculating Meredith Vickers (Charlize Theron), the captain of the spaceship Janek (Idris Elba), a bunch of other people you don’t need to know, and David (Michael Fassbender), an android serving as the butler to the crew. When they arrived at the destination, the group discovers that by traveling all this way, hoping to meet their maker, they may very well all end up meeting their maker. Oh have I not mentioned that I am super witty? The more you know.

Snow White and the Huntsman

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated June 11 2012

You know how people wait at the hospital before getting to see a doctor? The wait is annoying and painful, but you know you are waiting for a payoff, the doctor being it. Since there’s a light at the end of that tunnel, the wait itself becomes somewhat tolerable. Not with this movie. I waited for 2hrs and received diddly squat. No doctor came to see me and I am left forever in that purgatory called the waiting room. I DID IT FOR YOU, remember that folks.

“Snow White and the Huntsman” is the second Snow White movie of 2012 (the first being Mirror Mirror) and the basics are the same: The evil queen Ravenna (Charlize Theron) dispatches the king and takes over the kingdom along with her brother Finn (Sam Spruell). She imprisons Snow White (Kristen Stewart) for 15 years only to find out later that she needs to consume the teenage beauty’s heart to become the super-badass witch she always dreamed of becoming. But wouldn’t you know it, as soon as the queen finds out about this vital piece of info, Snow White escapes! Needing someone to track her down, Ravenna enlists the help of the Huntsman (Thor, or Chris Hemsworth). But of course the Huntsman took pity on the poor little princess and alas, the battle between good and evil begins. Oh and there’s an apple involved in all these but it’s a surprise!........wait what do you mean you know about the apple already? Crap.

Carnage

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated May 29 2012

We human beings as a species enjoy confrontations, it's a fact. Sure we may not enjoy being in one (because some of us are pussies i.e. yours truly), but we love to observe if one is happening. Have you noticed how whenever there's an argument happening in the street, people tend to stop and watch? It is that fascination of ours that makes this film so enjoyable. We are a cruel species.

Based on a French play called "Le Dieu du carnage", "Carnage" is the story of two pairs of parents meeting to discuss an incident between their sons. Michael and Penelope "Penny" Longstreet's (John C. Reilly and Jodie Foster) son Ethan was struck in the face with a stick by Zack, the son of Alan and Nancy Cowan (Christoph Waltz and Kate Winslet). Initially civilized and well-mannered, the Longstreets and the Cowans gradually start to get on each others' nerves and what was originally a polite encounter turned into a battle of verbal (and physical) abuses and no holds barred slanders. The civilized turned barbaric, and the resulting fruit is carnage.

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated May 21 2012

It was not best nor was it exotic, instead the film was mediocre and bland. If you want to learn how to spell disappointment, look no further.

"The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel" is the story of 7 retirees from the UK, each looking for different things in the twilight years of their lives: Evelyn (Judi Dench) recently lost her husband and needs to relocate after selling their house to pay off debts; Douglas and Jean (Bill Nighy and Penelope Wilton) lost their retirement money after Douglas invested it all in their daughter's internet start-up and now are also in need of a place to live; Graham (Tom Wilkinson) is a high court judge who decided to end his career in search for more important things, or to be specific, a person, in life; Muriel (Maggie Smith) is a racist ex-housekeeper who needs a cheap hip replacement and had to look for it outside of the UK; Madge (Celia Imrie) is a multiple times divorcee who wants a man in her life, preferably rich; Norman (Ronald Pickup) is the male version of Madge. As fate would have it, though they all look for different things in life, all of them ended up in India, at the well-advertised, though in reality very far away from being operational and borderline in ruins, the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, run by the super-duper-I-need-ritalin Sonny (Dev Patel). Through new friendships, hardships, and relationships (yes I just pulled off a 3 ships joke, admire me), each of the resident of the hotel finds what they are truly searching for all along: a purpose in life. 

Joe Calzaghe- Out of Retirement?

Reported by Ruey the Man
Updated May 18 2012

Intense stare-down between the two fighters
(Calzaghe- Left; Ray Ray- Right)

On 2012 May 16th the “Pride of Wales”- Joe Calzaghe and opponent Ruey Ray Ray- “The Sex Symbol of Cambridge” had their pre-fight stare-down at the Cambridge Union Society Debating Chamber. The tension in the venue could have been cut with a nipple considering how cold it had been for the spring of 2012 in the UK.

The two fighters do not like each other. Ruey Ray Ray has clearly no respect for the undefeated Champion. He said to the “Pride of Wales”, “Unlike Bernard Hopkins, I ain’t ever gonna let a man of your kind beat me! You mortal human are no match for me”. Ruey Ray Ray clearly thinks he is beyond human, a demigod of some sort, perhaps like Thor. Joe Calzaghe remained silent but stared into the beautiful face of “The Sex Symbol of Cambridge” as if he was about to smack it at any second.