Ted

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated July 9 2012

Sometime a film maker will commit the crime of putting all the funniest jokes in the trailer to lure audiences, but in doing so he/she forgets that this makes the actual movie meaningless. It's the food equivalent of having pasta without tomato sauce because you ate the tomato earlier for snack and now the pasta sucks. I sure am glad that's not what happened here with "Ted"..........oh wait it totally DID happen with "Ted". F*****************************K. 

"Ted" is Seth MacFarlane's (of the Family Guy and American Dad fame) first none-animated feature film. It tells the story of  how John Bennett (Mark Wahlberg), a Boston native who made a wish when he was young that enabled his teddy bear to come to life, manages to juggle the balance between spending time with his girlfriend Lori (Mila Kunis) and hanging out with his fully-functioning-like-a-real-boy best friend/teddy bear Ted (Seth MacFarlane). Having one incident too many with Ted: partying, getting stoned, shitting on the floor (oooh yeah), Lori finally decides to force Ted out of their lives. Not being able to cope with parting after 27 years together, Ted and John continues to hang much to Lori's dismay. Then finally shit hits the fan and voila, John finds his life in pieces and is now in desperate need to sort his crap out. Will Ted be able to remain the best friend in John's life, or will Lori's love prevail?.....honestly midway through the movie I didn't really care anymore. All the good jokes and gags were in the trailer already, what's left is nothing but a shell of a film that is supposedly a comedy. A frail vessel of emptiness drifting through the sea of irrelevancy, oh yeah I am a poet and I know it.

This has got to be the disappointment of the year thus far. I've always been a fan of MacFarlane's. He is a great comedic writer and has the ability to do stand-up as well (as seen from his numerous appearances on celebrity roasts and late night talk shows). His cash cow Family Guy  is not in the same league with South Park but still plenty hilarious. An undeniable talent, when I saw the trailer for "Ted" I almost shit my pants. Turns out, however, the excitements were all in that 2:53 min trailer. If the best parts (the thunder song and the white trash name speed-round) you can see for free, then why would or should anyone PAY to see the rest of the film that, frankly, just not that funny? Sure you've got Flash Gordon, the chicken fight between John and Ted, and a little bit of Silent of the Lamb thing going on, and these components do make the film mildly entertaining. But seriously, how many of us really get the Flash Gordon reference? If you are not a Family Guy fan, how can you possible understand the John vs Ted chicken fight ? As for the Silent of the Lamb bit, while somewhat of a necessity for the plot to move forward, is more of a confusing addition to the film rather than a contributing one. The mistake MacFarlane made here was forgetting his bread and butter. From the trailer you kind of get the impression that Ted is somewhat of an asshole, and that's why the film seemed to be so promising. But in truth Ted really is kind of a sweet heart who just doesn't know any better. If your central conflict-creator is a mellow and good natured teddy bear that creates little conflicts, then the movie will end up with limited sparks that lead to nowhere. MacFarlane excels in offensive-type humor, both in his roasts and his animated features. But for whatever reason, he decided to take a soft and safe approach in a film that is rated R. How much sense does that make? Oh and did I mention that they put the best bits in the trailer? I did? Good because that REALLY bothers me, I am the king of subtlety.

Fine performance from both Mark Wahlberg and Mila Kunis (she is secretly becoming a force, you've come a long way Jackie) but that ain't enough to make this bundle of confusion funny. If you did not see the trailer before the film, then it may just be enjoyable. But I did  and I was screwed. Thanks MacFarlane, you didn't even have the courtesy to take me out to dinner first. My name is Danny and I endorse this message.