Feeling Old in a Club

Written by Ruey of The Ruey Review
Updated 20 July 2012

Cindies, the notoriously trashy club in Cambridge

Last week a very good friend from my undergrad and banking days came to visit me in Cambridge. He was a very shy guy in university but then he later became a club-dwelling party-animal, some may even call him a “club-rat”. Anyways, he was very very excited about the notion of heading to a night club even in a medieval town like Cambridge so I took him out to a trashy night club famous for its unpleasant smell and skanky, classless under-aged girls. The club is called “Cindies”. However, from this point the ridiculing of this crass lame excuse for a night out shall stop as any further comments can be interpreted as insults on my dear friend considering the amount of fun and excitement he had on that night.

This story is about me feeling incredibly old at a night club filled with young trashy girls. I am sure many guys my age, or even many older than me would be excited about the idea of heading to a club full of extremely young girls in skimpy outfits. However I am not one of them. Young trashy girls, or even young girls for that matter, just don't arouse me the way a sheep can arouse a male Kiwi.

Putting the issue of the quality of females aside, I am at the age where I realized the reality of a club NOT being a good place FOR ME to meet women. I envy the people enjoy meeting members of the opposite sex but I am not one of them. This is because I can never hear what anyone is saying with the music so loud. Also, because I simply lack what many people refer to as... "game". Even when I encounter females who try to pick me up (Yes, even I can attract women, clubs do tend to lack lighting ok?), I feel very intimidated. After all, they are strangers in the dark.

The one thing that made me feel very out-of-place and extremely old was the MUSIC. I realized after a while that I recognized only 20% of the songs played in the club. Moreover, these 20% that I recognized I didn't even know their titles and artists. I had only heard those songs from the previous nights out, which I do perhaps once every one or two months. I cannot even tell you which songs I heard because I really don't know them.

So, that was my grumpy old man's rant on a club that youngsters go to. There are people who can continue enjoy clubbing going into their 30's. Unfortunately I am not one of them. I am too old to be anticipating "getting lucky" at a night club and too old to be recognizing what music is "in" these days. Yes, I'm a hater and I'm old and grumpy, bite me.

Cambridge May Balls: Trinity vs. John's

Written by Ruey of The Ruey Review
Updated 17 July 2012

"May Week is the name used within the University of Cambridge to refer to a period at the end of the academic year. Originally May Week took place in the week during May before year-end exams began. Today, May Week takes place in June. The end of exams is a cause for heavy celebration amongst the students of the University. Highlights of the week include May Balls, June Events and garden parties. A May Ball is a ball at the end of the academic year that happens at any one of the colleges of the University of Cambridge."

-Wikipedia-

St. John's New Court all Lit-up, very Pretty

As it is the Ruey man’s one and only year in Cambridge, he decided to go big in this one and only year. This year I bought tickets to two of the world-famous Cambridge May Balls; held by Trinity College and St. John’s College. The two rivalry colleges are the richest colleges in Cambridge and their May Balls are often said to be the most extravagant and they often compete with each other in the organizations of their May Balls. As a part of this competition, the two colleges usually hold their May Balls on successive evenings. Therefore, attending both colleges’ balls made May Week 2012 very tiring indeed for me. Each ball can cost from  £145 first hand (college members only) up to more than £300 second hand. Today, the Ruey Review will provide a comparative review for both balls in hopes of helping you decide which one of the over-the-top bourgeois party you may attend in case you want to experience just ONE of the two most well-renowned Cambridge May Ball in the future. (Other May Balls and June Events are great to attend as well but I ain’t got the time and energy to go to all of them in one year. Also, it is physically impossible as some colleges have events on the same nights)

Fireworks at the 2012 Trinity May Ball

Fireworks is one of the biggest draws for the May Balls at Trinity and St. John’s. The fireworks at both colleges were amazing. They were both choreographed with music. It still boggles my mind to this day how University-affiliated colleges like the mentioned two go to such lengths to arrange firework shows that are more extravagant and elegant than the ones put on on national days in most countries around the world. So, the two colleges are quite competitive over the issue of who has the better fireworks each year. Apparently St. John’s college, usually having its May Ball the day after Trinity’s , holds money in reserve each year to “up” Trinity upon observing the Trinity fireworks the previous night. Therefore, the conventional understanding is that John’s has better fireworks than Trinity. Personally, this year I thought it was a tie. I think it is true that John’s fireworks is more EPIC, but that does not make Trinity fireworks any less impressive in terms of extravagance and elegance. In the Trinity May Ball you do get a much better view of the fireworks as you can watch on one side of the river while the fireworks shoot up into the sky on the other, at very close range. Whereas in John’s you just get to watch a very impressive show on a large field without the River Cam being a part of the experience. At Trinity you can see the plebs who are not in the actual ball sitting in their punts on the River Cam looking up into the sky wishing that they can one day watch the fireworks on land. Moreover, Trinity had flamethrowers which were big pluses. I personally enjoyed the Trinity May Ball fireworks better because of the venue, but I do recognize that John’s fireworks was much bigger and Michael Bayer. So I say the fireworks showdown was a tie.

Queue for Food at St. John's

In terms of food selection at the ball, Trinity has a decisive victory over John’s. At Trinity you get oysters, truffles, nice champagne, great-tasting crepe. At John’s I only remember having bad kebab and mediocre steak and frites. Trinity definitely had more food selection and the quality was much more bourgeois, which is what balls are all about, right? In foods Trinity gets a clear win.

Musical Performances at Trinity

The musical concerts at both colleges were great. The main act at Trinity was the Vengaboys and at John’s was Magnetic Man. The cowboy and the sailor in Vengaboys made my night incredibly gay (happy) with their gayish gayness (cheerful homosexuality). The dub stepp'n by Magnetic Man made me feel incredibly gangster. I do think John’s has a better venue even though the concert stage at Trinity was much better-looking. Because of the way the Trinity concert stage was shaped, you cannot see much if you go to the sides. While at John’s you can go to the sides where there are less people and still get a perfect view of the band. I had much more fun at the John’s concert but because Vengaboys is much more internationally known I call this battle a tie. In some ways both colleges were losers anyways because Sidney Sussex College managed to get Kelis to perform at its May Ball. Regardless of the fun I had, Vengaboys and Magnetic Man cannot top Kelis, she’s got the milkshake.

Food Tent at Trinity, with Music of course

In terms of the contents of the variety of tents, one can definitely tell that each college focuses on different things. Trinity had more interesting, high quality “shows” for people to enjoy. There was even one tent where Burlesque shows were performed!! Yes, Burlesque. John’s had a comedy tent which I thought was not a great idea for a Ball. When you are at a Cambridge May Ball, you want to walk around, and see many things. Therefore I feel that it is more appropriate to have shows that are more visual and musical. Comedy stand-ups and sketches require focused attention, which is something that can be burdensome at a May Ball. Although it is important to note that I was a lot more drunk at the St John’s May Ball and therefore did not get to see all the tents present at the ball. I would give Trinity the win on the contents in the tents. Most tents at Trinity were more nicely decorated, with performances of more visually and musically impressive shows. John’s had fun tents with photo booths, massages, casinos and so on, however, the Trinity ones were much more impressive in the end. 

Bumper Carts, NOT "Dodge'em", at John's

It is important to note that at both balls there were bumper carts! Yes, bumper carts, on college grounds. This is how over-the-top these Cambridge May Balls are. In the U.K. they call it “Dodge’em” though, which makes absolutely no sense. In the arena you try to bump other cars and f*ck them up. You don’t “dodge’em”. The name is just so incredibly British. Both bumper carts were great at both colleges, both with very appropriate speed, and appropriate duration for each round of play. However, in terms of silly fun stuff like this... if I had to pick a winner, I would pick John’s. Because while both colleges had great bumper carts, John’s also had a giant inflatable slide for people to climb and slide down. Whoo~ hoo~~ yes. It was a lot of fun, don’t judge me. 

Trinity College's Nevile's Court

It is almost cliche in Cambridge to say, in comparing the May Balls of Trinity and St. John’s college, that Trinity is a ball and John’s is a party. I heard this before attending the balls from undergraduate students of both colleges, and this was true. The Trinity May Ball was very classy, bourgeois, and impressive; whereas John’s was also impressive but it had more of a “let’s have fun” atmosphere than the “let’s hold champagne and suck on oysters while we enjoy our time at this delightful event”. Having said this, this cliche is exactly the reason why I recommend you to go to the Trinity May Ball instead of the John’s one if you are going to only one for a Cambridge May Ball experience. This is because you can have a crazy fun party in any setting, but to experience a proper May Ball at Cambridge, you want to go somewhere as bourgeois, as over-the-top European upper-class, and as pretentious as possible. These are all something you will experience to the fullest at the Trinity May Ball. Trinity will not fail to impress you and blow your mind away. (My mind was truly blown away by the scale at which this college ball at a collegiate university was thrown) Although the St. John’s college May Ball was no less impressive, it was in the end, a ball that was dubbed a “party”, and if you came to a ball, you ball, don’t party!

Punting on the River Cam

Written by Ruey of The Ruey Review
Updated 27 March 2012

“Punting is not as easy as it looks. As in rowing, you soon learn how to get along and handle the craft, but it takes long practice before you can do this with dignity and without getting the water all up your sleeve.”

— Jerome K. Jerome, Three Men in a Boat (1889)

Punting is darn difficult. There, you’ve been warned. If you think you can just take a lady friend to the River Cam without any prior punting experience and impress them with a romantic time on the water, you’re in for an embarrassing Fail moment. First, it is very difficult to punt straight, and it is not easy to fix the direction of your punt as it requires a lot of strength. The punt pole has much more width and weight than you’d expect which makes it hard to move in or pull out of the water. This means you are very likely to get yourself trapped in circling in the same spot and get your sleeves wet during that time. Lastly, but very importantly, while you struggle to move the punt the way you want it to move, you need to at the same time avoid collision with other punts.

Hákarl- The Infamous Icelandic Rotten Shark Meat

Written by Ruey of The Ruey Review
Updated 25 March 2012

Anthony Bourdain, a well-travelled chef who's eaten sh*t-covered BBQ African warthog rectum, described the Hákarl as "the single worst, most disgusting and terrible tasting thing" he has ever eaten. Gordon Ramsay on his show “The F Word” regurgitated just seconds after putting a piece of this icelandic rotten shark delicacy into his mouth. In Iceland, “eating hákarl is often associated with hardiness and strength” apparently.

Lebanese Food, FRIGG'N AWESOME!!

Written by Ruey of The Ruey Review
Updated 10 January 2012

This place was frigg’n AWESOME!! That pretty much sums up my piece about my first Lebanese meal.

Near the end of 2011 I had the privilege of meeting my friend’s boyfriend, who is a Lebanese. We were deciding what to eat for dinner, and instead of heading to China town like I always do when meeting up with my Taiwanese friends in London (to clarify, Taiwanese food is not Chinese food, they also have Japanese and Korean restaurants in China town right?), I suggested we head for some Lebanese food. Nassim, my new Lebanese friend was very excited and enthusiastic about taking us to try the healthy, and tasty food of his homeland.

Maroush, the name of the restaurant, I ain't lying

For this meal we headed to a tube station called Edgware Road. Beware, there are two very close stations of the same name!!  I don’t know how the London city planners allowed such ridiculous error to occur. After having gone to the wrong Edgware Road station, we went to the Edgware Road station on the Bakerloo line. We were in Arab town.

The restaurant was called Maroush, and according to Nassim’s friends, it is the best Lebanese restaurant in London. This claim was supported by the near 30 minutes queue before we were seated. The food did not disappoint and was well worth the wait!!

Happy 2012 from London!!

Written by Ruey of The Ruey Review
Updated 3 January 2012

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!!! LET’S ALL PRAY FOR A GREAT 2012 AND THAT ALL WILL BE GREAT FOR ALL THIS YEAR!!


The last night of the year 2011 was my first and possibly the last time doing new year's countdown in London. According to the Mayan calendar however, it was my last, anywhere. Anyhow, it was a very fun experience which far exceeded my expectations.

Prior to heading towards the northern bank of River Thames, I had been listening to a Londoner talking about the suffocating over-crowdedness in the streets of central London before and after the countdowns in previous years. I, having had numerous experiences at fireworks in Vancouver, Taipei, and Tokyo, would not call myself a fan of such events either. However I was pleasantly surprised about how well the night had gone for me and my friends.

Although the streets were overflown with people, they were not as bad as expected. We got off at Embankment station on the District line and arrived to the river side at 10:20pm, and we still found spaces right up to the edge of the river for us to stand. In Tokyo and Taipei one would have to arrive sometimes up to 4 hours to get a spot for a decent view of the fireworks. We were very lucky.

The music from the BBC radio station played at the site was great. It was like a night out to a outdoor night club that is much more chilled-out, in a good way. People were bopping and singing to the music. The atmosphere was very nice and friendly.

The fireworks itself was quite nice. It was very beautiful. It was a bit longer than expected, which was good, and one of the best new year’s fireworks I have seen. However nice it was, the fireworks itself should not be the focus. It was the overall experience of going out, and joining all the people present in the city of London to celebrate the coming of another year that made the night a very great one. After the fireworks people slowly dispersed and hostile pushing & shoving were very limited. Although, there were some idiots trying to fly Asian lanterns up to the sky. One of the lanterns became an epic fail and fell down quickly to hit a girl walking on the street. Fortunately the girl was not hurt and the fire was put out by a gentleman after some intense stomping action. People were saying “Happy New Year” to each other on the streets. It was very nice to see and experience. Well, at one point a gentleman ran up from behind me and touched me to wish me a happy new year and ran off. At the moment it was not so nice as I thought I was being mugged for a split second, but afterwards I felt great and felt that I was part of a huge community, the London community.

It is important to note, however, that I was staying at a place within walking distance from where I was during the fireworks. If you stay at a place that requires taking the tube to get back then going to the Thames river bank for the countdown plus fireworks may not be the best choice for a new year’s eve night out in London. However, if you do get to be in London during such periods in the future, provided that you are staying in central London, why not take a walk down to the River Thames and enjoy the great fireworks, music, and the people!

European-Living: Underdeveloped and Needs Improvement

Written by Ruey of The Ruey Review
Updated 28 December 2011

Europe is the origin of the Renaissance where mankind took a leap in scientific knowledge. This advancement still plays a large role as a basis for our current understanding of the world. England is the home of the Industrial Revolution which changed the way we produce materials, gain and accumulate wealth, thus improving the living standards of a major global population up to this day. So I came to this continent anticipating a high-quality lifestyle based on advance technology and development.

I found my positive enthusiasm largely misguided. The most important parts of any human being’s life are to eat, drink, sleep, urinate, and defecate. “What goes in must come out”. Thus shitting is just as important as eating. In this article I would like to express my frustration with the lack of utility development in the European shit-taking infrastructures, specifically, the lack of the anus-wash on European toilets.

Fig.2- Very nice toilet from Taiwan,
with proper anus-wash on its side

Fig.1- Nice wash room isn't it?
    nice because the toilet washes your ass.

Back in East Asia, after taking a big soft sticky steamy lump of shit, with anus-wash, I can clean my butt-hole within minutes. All it takes is 5 to 10 seconds of gentle warm water rinsing of the poo-poo hole, which the anus-wash does for you with just a press of the button, and a little hula-hooping exercise with your waist to get all corners of the “daisy” circle cleaned and you’re done. In the United Kingdom, it can take me up to 20 minutes to get the sensitive area cleaned especially when the fecal matters just expelled from my body have a high level of wetness. This is the Twenty-First Century, why in the world do I have to wipe my own ass? The worst thing is, if you wipe too hard, you may injure the sensitive, vulnerable area, and if you clean with laziness, the itch that you’re going to have for the rest of the day will also be unbearable. For the purpose of writing this piece I even found an online health forum where suffering men discuss related anal health issues. I say don’t go to the doctor’s, just buy toilets with anus-wash from either Taiwan or Japan, or move there. I have seen though, some efforts to try and resolve such problems with non-Asian ways in continental Europe as shown in figure.3. However, with this device, which is separate from the actual toilet, you cannot easily control the warmth of the water, you have to move and squat over the thing, and with the direction of the water going forward you’re going to get your balls covered in shit! Why would the Europeans come up with such real-estate consuming solution anyway? Just buy the more advanced and civilized toilets from the Far East I tell you.

Fig.3- Very poor attempt to save their ass holes  by continental Europeans 

Fig.4- Nice bathroom for a  student dormitory?
Nay, it sucks because one needs to wipe
his/her own ass after taking a dump here. 

I say the Europeans must at times drop their pride and accept the fact that they are in some aspects of living inferior to non-European peoples. Adopt the advanced East Asian ways of taking care of their shit after taking a shit. This will both improve the lives of those living in Europe and the visits of those who came to the continent to enjoy other aspects of the European lifestyle and culture.