Snow White and the Huntsman

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated June 11 2012

You know how people wait at the hospital before getting to see a doctor? The wait is annoying and painful, but you know you are waiting for a payoff, the doctor being it. Since there’s a light at the end of that tunnel, the wait itself becomes somewhat tolerable. Not with this movie. I waited for 2hrs and received diddly squat. No doctor came to see me and I am left forever in that purgatory called the waiting room. I DID IT FOR YOU, remember that folks.

“Snow White and the Huntsman” is the second Snow White movie of 2012 (the first being Mirror Mirror) and the basics are the same: The evil queen Ravenna (Charlize Theron) dispatches the king and takes over the kingdom along with her brother Finn (Sam Spruell). She imprisons Snow White (Kristen Stewart) for 15 years only to find out later that she needs to consume the teenage beauty’s heart to become the super-badass witch she always dreamed of becoming. But wouldn’t you know it, as soon as the queen finds out about this vital piece of info, Snow White escapes! Needing someone to track her down, Ravenna enlists the help of the Huntsman (Thor, or Chris Hemsworth). But of course the Huntsman took pity on the poor little princess and alas, the battle between good and evil begins. Oh and there’s an apple involved in all these but it’s a surprise!........wait what do you mean you know about the apple already? Crap.

 The film really wasn’t as much awful as it was boring…..which in term makes it kind of awful I suppose. The pace is painfully slow, needless details are shown while important backdrops aren’t. (Kind of) Spoiler Alert! Things took forever to unfold in the Dark Forest but nothing really happened except for a few people passing out and waking up moments later, so what was the significance of the Dark Forest? The evil queen needs to consume youth from beautiful young girls every time she uses magic, so why did she recklessly used magic to kill a rebel when she could’ve just , oh I don’t know, CHOP HIS HEAD OFF? How much sense does that make? Also, is Snow White in love with the Duke’s son William or the Huntsman? Initially it seems like William is the lucky boy but BANG a twist and then suddenly the Huntsman turned from a father figure to potential love interest? This is what youngsters nowadays would call WTF. There are many scenes like the ones mentioned, too many to count in fact. A story needs to be built and building takes time, that is true. However, if you are going to take 2 hrs out of my eventful (not really) life, then you better f***ing deliver. It did not.

Charlize Theron is undeniably beautiful and immensely menacing as the evil Ravenna. The sole bright spot is ironically the darkest character of them all. Thor (I mean Chris Hemsworth) does a satisfying job as the Huntsman, but really, is this character that different from Thor? Would love to see more range from him as I believe he is capable of more. The big disappointment is the protagonist played by Kristen Stewart. I think at this point in time she is likely going to be forever type-cast as the brooding female-anything, be it a vampire loving Bella (Team Edward!) or the supposedly bringer of all hope Snow White. Her facial expression is regrettably limited and she inspires no emotion from her audience, other than the fact that we know she is brooding, all,   the  ,  time. Even when she finally became queen and ended all hell she still seemed like she is pissed off at something.  Pissed off that she's got nothing else to brood about so she was brooding about that? Perhaps. My gosh girl, go out and get a puppy or something. 

A sub-par feature film debut by Rupert Sanders, this one is not worth neither your time nor your money. Wait for HBO to buy it and start showing it on a loop 24/7, and even then I'd still advise against seeing it. If you crave for some Snow White fun, Mirror Mirror is the superior film.  My name is Danny and I endorse this message.