Snow White and the Huntsman

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated June 11 2012

You know how people wait at the hospital before getting to see a doctor? The wait is annoying and painful, but you know you are waiting for a payoff, the doctor being it. Since there’s a light at the end of that tunnel, the wait itself becomes somewhat tolerable. Not with this movie. I waited for 2hrs and received diddly squat. No doctor came to see me and I am left forever in that purgatory called the waiting room. I DID IT FOR YOU, remember that folks.

“Snow White and the Huntsman” is the second Snow White movie of 2012 (the first being Mirror Mirror) and the basics are the same: The evil queen Ravenna (Charlize Theron) dispatches the king and takes over the kingdom along with her brother Finn (Sam Spruell). She imprisons Snow White (Kristen Stewart) for 15 years only to find out later that she needs to consume the teenage beauty’s heart to become the super-badass witch she always dreamed of becoming. But wouldn’t you know it, as soon as the queen finds out about this vital piece of info, Snow White escapes! Needing someone to track her down, Ravenna enlists the help of the Huntsman (Thor, or Chris Hemsworth). But of course the Huntsman took pity on the poor little princess and alas, the battle between good and evil begins. Oh and there’s an apple involved in all these but it’s a surprise!........wait what do you mean you know about the apple already? Crap.

Carnage

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated May 29 2012

We human beings as a species enjoy confrontations, it's a fact. Sure we may not enjoy being in one (because some of us are pussies i.e. yours truly), but we love to observe if one is happening. Have you noticed how whenever there's an argument happening in the street, people tend to stop and watch? It is that fascination of ours that makes this film so enjoyable. We are a cruel species.

Based on a French play called "Le Dieu du carnage", "Carnage" is the story of two pairs of parents meeting to discuss an incident between their sons. Michael and Penelope "Penny" Longstreet's (John C. Reilly and Jodie Foster) son Ethan was struck in the face with a stick by Zack, the son of Alan and Nancy Cowan (Christoph Waltz and Kate Winslet). Initially civilized and well-mannered, the Longstreets and the Cowans gradually start to get on each others' nerves and what was originally a polite encounter turned into a battle of verbal (and physical) abuses and no holds barred slanders. The civilized turned barbaric, and the resulting fruit is carnage.

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated May 21 2012

It was not best nor was it exotic, instead the film was mediocre and bland. If you want to learn how to spell disappointment, look no further.

"The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel" is the story of 7 retirees from the UK, each looking for different things in the twilight years of their lives: Evelyn (Judi Dench) recently lost her husband and needs to relocate after selling their house to pay off debts; Douglas and Jean (Bill Nighy and Penelope Wilton) lost their retirement money after Douglas invested it all in their daughter's internet start-up and now are also in need of a place to live; Graham (Tom Wilkinson) is a high court judge who decided to end his career in search for more important things, or to be specific, a person, in life; Muriel (Maggie Smith) is a racist ex-housekeeper who needs a cheap hip replacement and had to look for it outside of the UK; Madge (Celia Imrie) is a multiple times divorcee who wants a man in her life, preferably rich; Norman (Ronald Pickup) is the male version of Madge. As fate would have it, though they all look for different things in life, all of them ended up in India, at the well-advertised, though in reality very far away from being operational and borderline in ruins, the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, run by the super-duper-I-need-ritalin Sonny (Dev Patel). Through new friendships, hardships, and relationships (yes I just pulled off a 3 ships joke, admire me), each of the resident of the hotel finds what they are truly searching for all along: a purpose in life. 

Joe Calzaghe- Out of Retirement?

Reported by Ruey the Man
Updated May 18 2012

Intense stare-down between the two fighters
(Calzaghe- Left; Ray Ray- Right)

On 2012 May 16th the “Pride of Wales”- Joe Calzaghe and opponent Ruey Ray Ray- “The Sex Symbol of Cambridge” had their pre-fight stare-down at the Cambridge Union Society Debating Chamber. The tension in the venue could have been cut with a nipple considering how cold it had been for the spring of 2012 in the UK.

The two fighters do not like each other. Ruey Ray Ray has clearly no respect for the undefeated Champion. He said to the “Pride of Wales”, “Unlike Bernard Hopkins, I ain’t ever gonna let a man of your kind beat me! You mortal human are no match for me”. Ruey Ray Ray clearly thinks he is beyond human, a demigod of some sort, perhaps like Thor. Joe Calzaghe remained silent but stared into the beautiful face of “The Sex Symbol of Cambridge” as if he was about to smack it at any second.

The Cabin in the Woods

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated May 14 2012

A cabin, woods, creepy old gas station attendant, clueless youngsters, sounds like yet another run-of-the-mill slasher movie right? Not quite. This one has a twist, and a sizable one. Oh don’t you tell me size doesn't matter because it DOES. I've been told many times…..too much info?

“The Cabin in the Woods” is a horror film that does not follow the traditional “ooooh look at this abandon house in the forest with no living creature around, seems like the perfect vacation place! We are so young and stupid!” type of storytelling (Have I mentioned I hate young people?). Producer Joss Whedon teamed up with director Drew Goddard (they’ve worked on Buffy & Angel together and Goddard wrote several episodes for Lost, so you know you are in good hands, I am like a walking Wikipedia, for useless knowledge, but I digress) and created a film that contains several stereotypes from many different horror genres, be it dumb characters or idiotic story developments. However, instead of having these stereotypes to get cheap laughs, Whedon and Goddard managed to put these turds into their creative mixer and out comes a film that is fresh, humorous, scary, well-paced, and a delight to watch.

The Avengers

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated May 1 2012

After the promise of a superhero all-you-can-watch was made back in 2008 when the first "Iron Man" movie came out, fans all over the world have been waiting for this ensemble of awesomeness to arrive. Well wait no more, the Avengers are here and I need to go change my pants because I made a peepee, yeah that's right, I am still THAT excited after seeing this 2hr plus fun-time freight train. 

"The Avengers" is the story of awesomeness. Oh you need me to elaborate? Fine, you kids are so needy. The movie opens with Loki (Tom Hiddleston), who is back with a vengeance with the aide of an alien race called Chitauri- aiming to take over earth and in exchange for their help- bring Chitauri the source of unlimited power, the Tesseract. To take back the Tesseract and defend earth- our home- Director Nick Fury (Samuel L Jackson) brings in Captain America (Chris Evans aka the Human Torch), Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.), Thor (Chris Hemsworth), The Hulk (Mark Rufallo), Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson), and Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) to fight for our survival. You might be asking yourself: what is a Tesseract? who are the Chitauri? why does Danny know all these and does that make him a geek? Well WHO CARES? This movie is filled with awesome sauce and that is all you need to know.

Mirror Mirror

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated April 17 2012

Glamour, splendor, and undeniable beauty, these are constants in any and all Tarsem Singh movies. What sets this retelling of an age-old tale apart from the rest is that, my goodness, it actually has a coherent storyline. Only took you 4 movies to learn that script matters, Mr. Singh, you take the term "baby steps" to a whole, other, level. But better late than never, am I right or am I right? Yeah you know it.


"Mirror Mirror" is a fantasy/comedy adaptation of the famous tale of Snow White. The wicked queen Clementianna (Julia Roberts) has taken over as the ruler of the kingdom after the mysterious death of the King. Snow White, the rightful heir, is kept prisoner (albeit a very well-dressed one) inside the castle and is prohibited from having any contact with the outside world. And (brace yourself, run-on coming!) then of course a prince (Armie Hammer) shows up and they meet and fall head over heel over each other because it's love at first sight and that is totally possible in fairy tales but oh no the queen wants a piece of the prince as well because he is rich and handsome and naked (on many occasions, you're welcome ladies) and henceforth the queen needs to dispatch Snow White permanently meaning killing her but that plan fails inevitably because if she dies then there's no movie duh and she runs into the seven dwarfs and with their help Snow White battles the queen to save her love, her kingdom, and herself. Oh yeah I am good. I am like Ricky Bobbie, I wake up and piss excellence.