Prometheus

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated June 18 2012

You are going to hear people describing this film as “visually stunning!” and “breathtakingly beautiful!” and “Michael Fassbender may be the reason I turned gay!” and they’d be correct. However, beauty does not exclude this movie from being yet another victim of incoherent plot and writing. Alas, wasted opportunity.

“Prometheus” is a sci-fi directed by the much celebrated Sir Ridley Scott, the person who brought us "Alien", "Blade Runner", and introduced Russell Crowe to the world in "Gladiator". A prequel to the Alien franchise, “Prometheus” tells the story of an expedition gone wrong. Two young archaeologists named Elizabeth Shaw (Noomi Rapace) and Charlie Holloway (Logan Marshall-Green) discovered an “invitation” left on earth by what they believed to be the makers of mankind (The Pope just popped a blood vessel in Vatican City). Calling these makers “Engineers”, Shaw and Holloway convinced a billionaire named Peter Weyland (Guy Pearce) to fund them in the quest to travel to the planet the invitation indicated, hoping to find the origin of our kind. Accompanying the couple on this space trip are the cold and calculating Meredith Vickers (Charlize Theron), the captain of the spaceship Janek (Idris Elba), a bunch of other people you don’t need to know, and David (Michael Fassbender), an android serving as the butler to the crew. When they arrived at the destination, the group discovers that by traveling all this way, hoping to meet their maker, they may very well all end up meeting their maker. Oh have I not mentioned that I am super witty? The more you know.

Snow White and the Huntsman

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated June 11 2012

You know how people wait at the hospital before getting to see a doctor? The wait is annoying and painful, but you know you are waiting for a payoff, the doctor being it. Since there’s a light at the end of that tunnel, the wait itself becomes somewhat tolerable. Not with this movie. I waited for 2hrs and received diddly squat. No doctor came to see me and I am left forever in that purgatory called the waiting room. I DID IT FOR YOU, remember that folks.

“Snow White and the Huntsman” is the second Snow White movie of 2012 (the first being Mirror Mirror) and the basics are the same: The evil queen Ravenna (Charlize Theron) dispatches the king and takes over the kingdom along with her brother Finn (Sam Spruell). She imprisons Snow White (Kristen Stewart) for 15 years only to find out later that she needs to consume the teenage beauty’s heart to become the super-badass witch she always dreamed of becoming. But wouldn’t you know it, as soon as the queen finds out about this vital piece of info, Snow White escapes! Needing someone to track her down, Ravenna enlists the help of the Huntsman (Thor, or Chris Hemsworth). But of course the Huntsman took pity on the poor little princess and alas, the battle between good and evil begins. Oh and there’s an apple involved in all these but it’s a surprise!........wait what do you mean you know about the apple already? Crap.