Safe House

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated 13 February 2012

"Safe House" ? HA! more like "Crack House"! .......no? doesn't work? Yeah neither did the movie, so I guess it's fitting to open this review with the lamest joke I've ever came up with......this year.

"Safe House" is the tale of a rogue CIA agent Tobin Frost (Denzel "King Kong Aint Got Shit On Me!"Washington) who is in possession of a disk that contains information so valuable, everyone wants a piece of it. To escape his pursuers, Tobin turned himself in and is now in the custody of Matt Weston (Ryan Reynolds), a CIA operative in charge of a remote safe house located in Cape Town. When the safe house is breached, all hell breaks loose and now Tobin and Matt must find a way to survive the unknown villain who is after the disk, and from each other. So......yeah, another operative-betrayed-themed movie, can I please have my time back?


I hate to be a negative nancy but it has just been a slew of bad films invading my world for the past few weeks. The script is not innovative or clever in anyway whatsoever, the structure of the story is incredibly weak, and the fight scenes are confusingly filmed. You get the sense that the director  Daniel Espinosa was aimming for the Bourne Trilogy feel but failed miserably. There's no suspense nor any surprise of any kind. The supposedly mysterious villain is not so mysterious at all. Unless you've never seen a movie before this one, you'd know who the bad guy is about 20 mins in. So really, all that was left was a mess beyond saving. A corpse of a story that can not be revived. How did they get this script greenlit? Seriously that is what I want to know. My gosh don't they know the economy is in trouble? STOP WASTING MONEY ON CRAPPY SCRIPTS!! Give me just a fraction of this film's budget and I'd make a better film. That is a challenge, anyone accepts? (Studios? are you reading this? PLEASE GIVE ME THE DOUGH TO SAVE THE INDUSTRY SO I CAN LIVE LIKE VINCENT CHASE AND HAVE BEAUTIFUL MODELS SLE......sorry got carried away there).

Denzel was in his typical Denzel form, nothing to complain about but nothing to really praise him for either. The one Jeremy Lin in this band of Knicks is Ryan Reynolds. I was fully expecting him to be his jokes-every-5-seconds self like he was in every single movie he was ever in. But no, Mr. Reynolds can actually ACT! What a surprise. He never gave in to his urges to be funny and played a vulnerable young CIA operative with great finesse and emotion. The only bright spot of the film, I am convinced that if he is given more dramatic roles, he can be an actor's actor. Oh and I have to mention Vera Farmiga. Why?Because I am a man and she is sexy, so shut your mouth and enjoy her beauty.

As boring as any movie can be, "Safe House" offers no imagination or thrill and that is a huge no no for a thriller. If you have money to burn, go see it. Actually strike that, burning your money is probably a wiser use of your time than sitting through this 2hr worth of pain. Or you can just give me your money, whichever way works. My name is Danny and I endorse this message.