How to not suck in life: Dont talk during movies

Written by Danny the Demented
Updated 1 February 2012

If you talk during movies, you suck.

This is one of the rules of Danny’s “Many Rules To NOT Suck In LIFE” or MRTNSIL for short (try to pronounce this bad boy, go ahead, try it. Yeah you can’t can ya?).

First things first: There’s something you need to know about Danny the demented one---he is never wrong, never, not ever, never ever (go to YouTube and look up All Saints' "Never Ever" song for effect,or just stare at them because they are HOT. Your choice). It’s true, I ain’t bull-shiting you, look it up, it’s in the encyclopedia…….ok maybe not but this doesn’t make the statement any less true, or maybe it does? Am I rambling?

So with that in mind, if you follow the simple rules of MRTNSIL, you will be able to successfully live out the remainder of your life without sucking. If not sucking is something that is important to you, then lend me your ears, well since I don’t have my own radio programming yet, lend me your eyes.  

Movie is in essence a device for entertainment. A vehicle for fun, if you will. With very few exceptions, people tend to go to the movies to be entertained ("The Passion of the Christ being the perfect example…. wait that’s the one with…..ooops my bad). How does a movie entertain its audience? By the contents shown on screen. More specifically, the words, the images, the music, and the composition of all three. This is how a normal person enjoys a film. (not counting fetishes. That’s another post all together)    


However when a person suck, he/she will then forget that he/she does not own the theater and that everyone else paid the exact same amount of money to be there and it is a very shitty thing to do to distract others when everyone else has just as much right to enjoy the movie as he/she does and he/she is a super shitty person for being such an asshole by talking and asking stupid questions like “what is that person hold a knife for?” well maybe that person is planning to STAB YOU IN THE FREAKING FACE because you won't shut up and just watch the f*cking movie and ………………..sorry I got a little carried away there.

There are various types of talkers at the movies (we will henceforth call these people “movie talkers” for short), but for your convenience I will divide them into three main groups: the questioners, the commentators, and the prophets.

1.   The questioners: This group consists of people with either very low IQ or very bad memories. They have an endless supply of stupid questions and they are obtuse enough to ask these idiotic questions out loud because they are unaware of how unintelligent this act makes them. The questioners will often ask questions like the following:

A Questioner - What an idiot, don't be like this

|         What is that guy’s name? No not the character but the actor, I’ve seen him somewhere but where? No he is not the cute guy in 90210, that’s Dylan, he is so dreamy…….No I need to know NOW!!!I don’t care if the movie is playing and if you answer my question you will be missing the movie you paid hard earned cash for.
|         Why is that girl turning away drinks? I’d be getting super tipsy if people are buying. Oh she is pregnant? So she is not just fat? Hmm that explains why the first 20 minutes of the movie was at an OB/GYM clinic…..
|         Where are they going? What do you mean you don’t know? Oh you gotta keep watching to find out? Huh.
|         I wonder where she got those outfit, Sears, I bet. Nah they don’t look Old Navy, gotta be Sears.
|         Just generally ask “Why?” or “Huh?” every 5 minutes.

If you are one of the questioners, you suck. If you don’t wanna suck, then stop asking questions during movies. Ain’t rocket science.

2.       The commentators: This group consists of people who think they have very high IQ or very good memory. They will often comment on the movie not after, but DURING the movie, in another word, assholes. They comment on things that matters very little or not at all, and they are significantly louder than the questioners. Here is a list of the shit they say:

A Commentator - What a douche, don't be like this

|         Dude that girl is HOT! Did you see her boobs? Did you? Did you? No seriously, did you????
|         OUUUUUUUUUCH THAT’S GOTTA HURT.
|         DAMNNNNNN THAT IS NASTY
|         What a douche! I’d never hit that. Never. The bartender is much sexier. What? The bartender is a dude???? DAMNNNNNN THAT IS NASTY
|         OHHHHH DON’T YOU DO IT, DON’T DO IT!! AHHH I TOLD YOU MAN! See? I totally told him not to do it. Oh look he is doing it again, DAMMMMMMN THAT IS NASTY.

If you are one of the commentators, you suck. If you don’t wanna suck, then stop commenting on shit that don’t matter during movies. Ain’t rocket science.

3.   The prophets: This group consists of people who think they can predict the storyline ahead of everyone else and they are damn proud of it. They will often blurt out what the characters are about to do one or two nano-seconds before they actually do them. They are, in my humble opinion, the worst of the three group. They will often puke out crap such as these:

A Prophet - Stop sucking in life

|         Just when the killer appears behind a character, the prophet will say “he is dead” out loud. And after the killer kills the now-dead character, the prophet will look at his/her friend with a see-I-called-it grin. Assholes.
|         During the movie “The Blind Side”, I had the pleasure of sitting beside a father who brought along his family for the movie. If you recall, at the beginning of this film, you can hear Sandra Bullock’s voice over explaining what a blind side is. Just when she is about done and you know that her next sentence is “The blind side” (she spent about 30 seconds explaining the side the quarterback cant see when he sets up a pass, which is the side the left tackle is suppose to protect, is the blind side, so naturally, after the explanation, even the simplest movie goer should be able to tell that Bullock was going to sum up the explanation with the words: the blind side), this father proudly turned to his wife and said “It’s the blind side”, just a split second before Bullock said it. Thus making him a prophet, and an asshole.
|         When a character is in a dessert and just discovered he has lost his water bottle, the prophet will say “yeah that’s going to be a problem”. Oh you think so prophet? You do do ya you stupid douche.

If you are one of the prophets, you suck. If you don’t wanna suck, then stop trying to predict every little thing during movies. Ain’t rocket science.

Excluding people with tourette syndrome, movie talkers are making a conscious choice to talk, during a time when they shouldn’t. And this is where the sickness lies. It is not that movie talkers cannot help themselves , or someone is holding a gun to their head and forcing them to be shitty. It is precisely the fact that movie talkers CHOOSE to talk that makes them assholes. When they made that decision to throw cautions to the wind and decide to let that f*cking mouth of theirs run wild, what they are basically saying to the rest of the people in the theater is this: “Hey where is your face at? Because I am about to pee on it”. They choose to suck, and that is why they suck. I need you, the readers, to realize and remember this. It’s not that they can’t help themselves, they just choose to pee on you instead. Never forget this, comrades, so that next time you run into a movie talker, you will remember that he/she is the person who pissed on you during a time when you are supposed to be relaxed and happy. You remember that, my dear subjects, and you harness that anger and put it in use. How to put that relentless rage into action you ask? Due to legal reasons I cant suggest anything here. But find me in a bar and with a bottle of Sherry in me, who knows what I’d say? But let your imaginations run freely and impress me people. You go on and do that, go on. My name is Danny and I endorse this message.