Rare Exports (2010)

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated Dec 29 2015

Holiday season is yet again upon us. Rather than the mainstream Ho-Ho-Ho Santa with a belly full of jelly story, I urge children and adults of all ages to treat themselves to a different look at the man on the sleigh. An unique take on the man behind all the elf-laboured toys, and interestingly, a very applicable example of finding re-employment after involuntary termination (what? yeah what is right). Suffice to say , this is not going to be your ordinary Christmas tale. I, the expert of nothing, present to you: Rare Exports (2010).

Rare Exports is a Finnish film by writer/director Jalmari Helander. A re-telling of an age-old tale: a drilling team funded by a mysterious American scientist/anthropologist (?) started digging at a nearby mountain next to the homes of a group of reindeer herders. After using considerable means to get the “sample” that they wanted, strange events started to happen in the village and caused the herders to suffer significant financial damage. While the herders are convinced that it is the American who is responsible for their financial woes, the son of one of the locals, Pietari, (Onni Tommila ) knew better. A precocious child, Pietari investigates and realizes that their enemy isn’t the American, but a force much more ancient and far more sinister than the world knows it to be.

Mulholland Drive (2001)

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated Aug 06 2012

Do you know why we do not have topless women walking about at all times, awesome though it may be? Because that would be logically incomprehensible. Logic is our friend, it keeps the world from falling apart (It and George Clooney). In Mulholland Drive, logic was ran over, backed up and ran over again, and then finally abandoned by the side of the road and what was left for the audience is one of the most irritating film I've ever seen. Which of course explains why on the right hand side of this retro reel review you don't see the usual picture of a DVD because, gladly, I don't own this piece of... work. 

How can I possibly do a plot overview for this time waster? No one can, not even if you bring me everyone (Yeah I know that joke doesn't work but I love Oldman! the actor, not actual old man...this joke does work incidentally). Nothing makes sense in this movie. Every plot line, every subplot lines, every relationships, every actions, every reactions, every smile, every stare, every set and every one involved ultimately do not matter because nothing is connected to anything. What is perhaps the most frustrating thing about this film is that it actually managed to disguise its "nonsense"ness well enough for about 2/3 of the whole movie. Only at the end does the film reveals its true nature: a pile of scenes and dialogues that served no purpose, none whatsoever. When the end credit start rolling, you the audience will immediately realize that everything you've just seen made absolutely no sense at all. What director David Lynch did was that he made hints along the way implying that the audience will have an explanation in the end. In fact the entire film is constructed in this fashion: using Naomi Watts and Laura Harring to play two roles each so you'd think the characters are connected to each other in some mysterious and fascinating manner because they are played by the same person, cutting scenes in a way that you'd see the same person from a previous plot showing up in a later story so the two parts seemed to relate to each other, and placing an irreverent but consistent character in different settings to string the many different bits together so they seem to be in the same storyline. It is a solid buildup, only the prophet turned out to be false and the buildup was to a vast galaxy of nothingness where sense goes to die.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated July 30 2012

The start of it all, the ultimate comedy, the original of the originals. These are the only descriptions worthy for arguably the funniest movie ever made."Monty Python and the Holy Grail" is the triumph, the victory, or perhaps more fittingly, the holy grail that every comedians should aim to achieve. 

Written, directed, and performed by the legendary British comedy group Monthy Python, the film follows King Arthur and his knights of the round table on their quest to seek the holiest of grails. On the journey the band of warriors encounters a castle full of desperate women, faces off with a group of French soldiers who must have majored in the art of taunting back in college, assaulted a wedding and subsequently killing almost everyone, burned a witch, met an enchanter named Tim, and battled a beast so foul and so cruel it will leave you in tears with nasty, pointy teeth. The tale is as old as time, but the telling of the story, even 37 years later, is still as fresh as mentos. Unbelievably funny, this film is the embodiment of everything that makes us laugh and giggle. Sure we never did get to see the round table itself or Camelot for that matter(just as well, it is a silly place; see if you saw this movie already you'd get the joke), and much of the movie doesn't make sense logically. But director Terry Gilliam and the geniuses in Monty Python managed to turn a bunch of nonsense into something that is bizarrely sensible in this ridiculous world they created. When Sir Lancelot (John Cleese) stormed a castle by himself, you don't feel absurd but rather assured. When King Arthur battled the black knight, you don't see irrationalities but comedic probabilities. When Sir Bedevere (Terry Jones) educated a mob on witches, you don't feel cheated but you are almost led into believing that what he said really is how you identify a witch...the list goes on and on. A genuine masterpiece, this film is a must see if you love comedy.

I've limited the movie clips to only one in this review because I don't want to ruin the experience for you. But oh kids there are so many things I wanted to show you (the holy hand grenade, the knights who say "Ni!", the historian and the riding knight, the bridge of death, the relentless Black Knight....). There will be plenty more Michael Bay explosion extravaganzas before the world see another magnum opus like Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Go rent it, borrow it, or beg for it if you have to, this one is a must see. Definitely rated as awesome, your world will be brighten within 1 min into the film. Oh and children, just wait till you see their horses, just you wait. My name is Danny and I endorse this message. 

This is Spinal Tap (1984)

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated July 15 2012

The mother of all mockumentaries as far as anyone should be concerned, in today's entertainment scene with the unstopping flow of shows like The Office (UK/US), Parks and Recreations, Trailer Park Boys, Modern Family, and Reno 911, it is time the world once again recognize this piece of greatness, that is, Spinal Tap. 

This trailblazer of cinema tells the story of documentary film maker Marty DiBergi's (Rob Reiner, also the director) making of a "rockumenatry" featuring the British heavy metal rock band Spinal Tap, which is led by the trio of David (Michael McKean), Nigel (Christopher Guest), and Derek (Harry Shearer). Neither the film maker nor the band is real, but the film's authenticity is shockingly genuine and the performances are incredibly believable almost to the point of absurdity. The film follows the band during its US tour and we witness it's fall from grace with laughs and giggles all the while forgetting that it is all made-up. The songs were well written, so well written in fact that I would've bought the record believing it to be a real rock album (though one probably would've had a hard time finding it at a record store) had it been available when I saw the movie. The grand achievement of this timeless classic, apart from it's unbelievably hilarious nature, is the fact that it presented its jokes with legitimate emotions and relationships, resulting in us believing in Spinal Tap so much that we cheer for the band to succeed, feel hurt for its failures, and rejoice for its comeback. In other words, we ended up feeling for a fictional band. In today's cinematic world, how many movies can inspire in this fashion? A rare few, if any. Genuine inspiration is impossible to fake, but Reiner managed to very nearly pull it off. To engage your audience, is that not the dream of every film maker and actor?

Doubt (2008)

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated July 6 2012

Ever wonder what you should do when there's nothing good on at the theater? Go out and exercise? Enjoy nature? Pleeeeeeeease, being healthy is so 90's. Why go outside to be in the nature when one can just look at a painting of nature at the comfort of one's own home? People need to check themselves before they break themselves. And that's my gangster quota of the day. 

So if it isn't hip or rad to go out and be one with mother earth, what should we do for fun and giggles? FEAR NOT! From this week onwards The Ruey Review will solve that pickle for you by introducing our Awesome or Gruesome? Danny's Retro Reel Review Series ! A collection of movies that came out before 2012, movies you should either watch or burn when they are available for rent or purchase. That's right, watch or burn, with no middle-ground. I love hyperbole. 

We are kicking the series off with an "Awesome": "Doubt". So sit down and grab a bucket of chicken wings with a huge side serving of lard and a glass of beer. And enjoy the review, because it is amazing.