The Descendants

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated 27 February 2012

Finally the drought is over and in comes "The Descendants" to save the day. If this movie doesn't warm your heart, then you are "as cold as ice" (I miss Gob). Oh and hey George Clooney, HEY George, I am talking you. Yeah that's right, I want to have your baby, you heard me. I know me being a man makes it impossible but if Adidas has taught us anything over the years it's that IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING! 

"The Descendants" is the story of Matt King (George Clooney), a lawyer and descendant of a royal family in Hawaii. He is the sole trustee of a large chunk of pristine land owned by his family and is on the verge of a land deal that will make him and his desperate cousins millions. However, while dealing with the family matter, his wife got into a boating accident and is going to die. Initially devastated, Matt becomes enraged when his daughter Alex (Shailene Woodley) told him that his wife was cheating on him. With his life filled with grief, anger, chaos and uncertainty, Matt must learn to embrace the power of forgiveness and find peace and joy in the bond he and his daughters share. Damn I am good. 

Hugo

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated 20 February 2012

I fell asleep during the movie. The last time I did that at a theater was when I saw "The Expendable". That's right, the f-ing Expendable....... so suffice to say....yeah I didn’t enjoy this 2 hr long bore called "Hugo" either.

"Hugo" is legendary director Martin Scorsese's first attempt at a 3D feature. It tells the story of a boy named Hugo (Asa Butterfield) who lives in a train station in Paris after he lost his father in a tragic accident. He lives within the walls and keeps the clocks in the station running all the while tries to find the parts to fix an automaton (or robot, if you don't want to be fancy) left behind by his father. In doing so he encounters Georges Melies (Ben Kingsley), a mysterious toy store keeper and his goddaughter Isabelle (Chloe Grace Moretz of the "Kick Ass" fame). When he runs into trouble with Melies, Hugo finds out that he needs not only to save himself from loneliness and obscurity, but also Melies, who is haunted by the past and can't find happiness that once upon a time was in his grasp.

Safe House

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated 13 February 2012

"Safe House" ? HA! more like "Crack House"! .......no? doesn't work? Yeah neither did the movie, so I guess it's fitting to open this review with the lamest joke I've ever came up with......this year.

"Safe House" is the tale of a rogue CIA agent Tobin Frost (Denzel "King Kong Aint Got Shit On Me!"Washington) who is in possession of a disk that contains information so valuable, everyone wants a piece of it. To escape his pursuers, Tobin turned himself in and is now in the custody of Matt Weston (Ryan Reynolds), a CIA operative in charge of a remote safe house located in Cape Town. When the safe house is breached, all hell breaks loose and now Tobin and Matt must find a way to survive the unknown villain who is after the disk, and from each other. So......yeah, another operative-betrayed-themed movie, can I please have my time back?

Chronicle

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated 8 February 2012

Great, another film with the hand-held-camera gimmick that is supposed to make you feel like you are RIGHT THERE with the characters. When was the last time this gimmick worked? Seriously, when? And don’t you dare say "Blair Witch Project" because I will kick your teeth in.

"Chronicle" tells the story of a troubled teenager named Andrew who has an ailing mother and an alcoholic father and is a social outcast. To make matters worse, he goes around videotaping everything (great job genius! way to NOT drawn attention to yourself). One fateful night, Andrew, his cousin Matt and the popular kid on campus Steve encountered a meteor-like glowing object in a hole and BAM! all three of them developed telekinetic powers. The trio became fast friends and lived happily ever after.......only not so much. After a series of mischief and silly teenager foolery, one of them went out of control with the new found power (guess which one? surprised? yeah me neither) and tragedy is the word. This film is somewhat like Heroes (Heroes Lite?), only more annoying and less mysterious.

How to not suck in life: Dont talk during movies

Written by Danny the Demented
Updated 1 February 2012

If you talk during movies, you suck.

This is one of the rules of Danny’s “Many Rules To NOT Suck In LIFE” or MRTNSIL for short (try to pronounce this bad boy, go ahead, try it. Yeah you can’t can ya?).

First things first: There’s something you need to know about Danny the demented one---he is never wrong, never, not ever, never ever (go to YouTube and look up All Saints' "Never Ever" song for effect,or just stare at them because they are HOT. Your choice). It’s true, I ain’t bull-shiting you, look it up, it’s in the encyclopedia…….ok maybe not but this doesn’t make the statement any less true, or maybe it does? Am I rambling?

So with that in mind, if you follow the simple rules of MRTNSIL, you will be able to successfully live out the remainder of your life without sucking. If not sucking is something that is important to you, then lend me your ears, well since I don’t have my own radio programming yet, lend me your eyes.  

Movie is in essence a device for entertainment. A vehicle for fun, if you will. With very few exceptions, people tend to go to the movies to be entertained ("The Passion of the Christ being the perfect example…. wait that’s the one with…..ooops my bad). How does a movie entertain its audience? By the contents shown on screen. More specifically, the words, the images, the music, and the composition of all three. This is how a normal person enjoys a film. (not counting fetishes. That’s another post all together)