European-Living: Underdeveloped and Needs Improvement

Written by Ruey of The Ruey Review
Updated 28 December 2011

Europe is the origin of the Renaissance where mankind took a leap in scientific knowledge. This advancement still plays a large role as a basis for our current understanding of the world. England is the home of the Industrial Revolution which changed the way we produce materials, gain and accumulate wealth, thus improving the living standards of a major global population up to this day. So I came to this continent anticipating a high-quality lifestyle based on advance technology and development.

I found my positive enthusiasm largely misguided. The most important parts of any human being’s life are to eat, drink, sleep, urinate, and defecate. “What goes in must come out”. Thus shitting is just as important as eating. In this article I would like to express my frustration with the lack of utility development in the European shit-taking infrastructures, specifically, the lack of the anus-wash on European toilets.

Fig.2- Very nice toilet from Taiwan,
with proper anus-wash on its side

Fig.1- Nice wash room isn't it?
    nice because the toilet washes your ass.

Back in East Asia, after taking a big soft sticky steamy lump of shit, with anus-wash, I can clean my butt-hole within minutes. All it takes is 5 to 10 seconds of gentle warm water rinsing of the poo-poo hole, which the anus-wash does for you with just a press of the button, and a little hula-hooping exercise with your waist to get all corners of the “daisy” circle cleaned and you’re done. In the United Kingdom, it can take me up to 20 minutes to get the sensitive area cleaned especially when the fecal matters just expelled from my body have a high level of wetness. This is the Twenty-First Century, why in the world do I have to wipe my own ass? The worst thing is, if you wipe too hard, you may injure the sensitive, vulnerable area, and if you clean with laziness, the itch that you’re going to have for the rest of the day will also be unbearable. For the purpose of writing this piece I even found an online health forum where suffering men discuss related anal health issues. I say don’t go to the doctor’s, just buy toilets with anus-wash from either Taiwan or Japan, or move there. I have seen though, some efforts to try and resolve such problems with non-Asian ways in continental Europe as shown in figure.3. However, with this device, which is separate from the actual toilet, you cannot easily control the warmth of the water, you have to move and squat over the thing, and with the direction of the water going forward you’re going to get your balls covered in shit! Why would the Europeans come up with such real-estate consuming solution anyway? Just buy the more advanced and civilized toilets from the Far East I tell you.

Fig.3- Very poor attempt to save their ass holes  by continental Europeans 

Fig.4- Nice bathroom for a  student dormitory?
Nay, it sucks because one needs to wipe
his/her own ass after taking a dump here. 

I say the Europeans must at times drop their pride and accept the fact that they are in some aspects of living inferior to non-European peoples. Adopt the advanced East Asian ways of taking care of their shit after taking a shit. This will both improve the lives of those living in Europe and the visits of those who came to the continent to enjoy other aspects of the European lifestyle and culture.

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated 26 December 2011

It's always quite awkward to write a review for a movie that is neither good nor bad. It's like asking me to judge water: it doesn't piss me off when drinking it, but I am also not going bunkers afterward either. It's a popcorn movie and that is not necessarily a bad thing.

Robert Downey Jr. and Jude "Nanny Killer" Law return as the crime-solving duo in A Game of Shadows, the second installment of director Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes franchise. Following the conclusion of the first film, Mr. Holmes and Dr. Watson go on to battle the criminal mastermind known as Professor Moriarty to save western civilization from falling apart. Not only is Moriarty as cunning as Holmes, but he also has a sidekick in Sebastian Moran (Paul Anderson) who matches Holmes' faithful companion Dr. John Watson in loyalty and surpasses him in marksmanship. Oh and in between all the chaos, a wedding, some gypsies, and lots of slow-motion explosion and fight scenes; fun for the whole family.  

This really isn't a bad movie at all but with a subject as interesting as Sherlock Holmes, it is not nearly as good as it can and should be. Mr. Ritchie has proven himself to be quite a writer (Snatch and Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, not Swept Away, sorry Madonna, now go lift some more weight and pump those biceps of yours you scary lady), but instead of the witty-gangster-type dialogues and dynamics I know he is capable of doing, he chose the conventional BLOW STUFF UP IN SLOW MOTION route. Disappointing, but not unexpected (from the Merovingian in Matrix Reloaded. Yes I am a nerd, thank you Captain Obvious). I mean, at the end of the day, the conventional route guarantees viewership and Ritchie did a fine job with it, telling the story with no real holes, so who am I to complain? Mediocrity does not suck, but it is still just mediocre, nothing more.     

Robert Downey "Iron Man" Jr. is absolutely delightful to watch. Few actors bring such life and energy to the cinematic experience and he is one of the best. Jude Law, though not a faithful companion in real life (Sienna Miller nodding solemnly), is a very loyal and dashing Dr. Watson. The one casting I had problem with is the villain, Prof. Moriarty. Jared Harris does an ok job but for someone who is supposedly as much a genius as Holmes. Harris just doesn’t bring enough credential or charisma to match that of Mr. Downey's. Perhaps Gary Oldman would've been better?......nay, Gary Oldman WOULD'VE been better. That guy can walk on water. OK maybe not but still.

Grab a bucket of popcorn, don't expect a masterpiece, and you will have a good time at this movie. You are not going to see any real impressive plot twists or shocking revelations like you may in the novel, but the fist-fights and the gun powders will keep you entertained. My name is Danny and I endorse this message.  

Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated 19 December 2011

Perhaps Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) was never told the meaning of the word "impossible", because if his missions were indeed impossible, then the franchise wouldn't have sprung 4 movies. Seriously, Ethan, your missions are more "improbable" (perhaps "very difficult"), no? but I digress.

Nevertheless, a treat this movie was. Mr.Cruise aka The Couch Man is back as super agent Ethan Hunt and once again faces a threat so terrifying that if he fails, the world will end, and it's not even 2012 yet! (Mayans protest: heyyyyyyyy!). The formula is an oldie: Hunt is knee deep in some serious earth-shattering crap and will bring his team to locations after locations to retrieve stuffs that are supposed to be heavily guarded only not so much after one of his team member hacks the allegedly impenetrable security system and then it's BING-BAM-BOM easy peasy japanesey Sounds familiar? Along the way Ethan performs some very difficult acrobatic moves as well as operates some very impressive gadgets. And he gets the girl at the end. Someone pay me millions to write screenplays, please. 

Yes this movie follows a formula and yes it offers no surprises but SO WHAT? It's a formula that needs no fixing, I say let them milk it till the last drop. Tom Cruise with his trademark smile is as good a hero as any, even if he plays the hero role the same way every time. Don't believe me? Tell me how his character in "Knight and Day" differs from Ethan Hunt (even the back-story is similar!!!!).....yeah I didnt think so. New to the earth saving ride this time is Jeremy Renner ("Hurt Locker", "The Town"). I haven't made up my mind about this guy yet, but if he is in a movie, I wanna watch. Definitely a force on the silver-screen and I suspect great things are potentially on the horizon for this up & comer. Everyone else is satisfactory but I have to mention Léa Seydoux. Why? because she is HOT, that's worthy of a mention and don't you dare tell me different. 

A great time at the theater, Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol is undoubtedly a hit that lives up to the hype and by far the best MI movie out of the four to date. Guns, explosions, crazy stunts and lots of running, what's not to like? With a coherent (not great, mind you) storyline, everything in this blockbuster stands out. It's not going to win any awards (no the MTV Movie Award is not a real award, kids) but it's a guarantee fun-for-all 2 hours on a breezy weekend. Oh, and guys, wait till you see the car, wait till you see the freaking car.  My name is Danny and I endorse this message.

"The Whistleblower"

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated 13 December 2011


OK, let me be the whistleblower and tell you now that this movie blows. There, I just saved you NT$260 (calculate this into your currency, whatever that is), you are welcome. 

A movie inspired by true events, "The Whistleblower" is about a policewoman named Kathryn Bolkovac (Rachel Weisz) who risked her job and life to expose the involvement of UN personnel and government officials in sex-trafficking and prostitution in post-war Bosnia. Now don't get me wrong, the event was horrible and the message of the film is important, and I strongly urge people to go on the internet to search more about this true event and just sex-trafficking in general. However, while the movie brings with it an important message, the execution of the film is poor and the movie moves with no pace to speak of and everything was just kind of all over the place. The protagonist clearly has a troubled private life and a complicated relationship with her daughter which I am sure the director put it there to make Kathy more complex and relatable but this back-story was never really shown or properly built upon. Kathy then showed up in Bosnia and quickly became the savior everyone was waiting for but her success (instructing a Bosnian policeman to commit a criminal) was very briefly mentioned (by briefly I mean less than 2mins) and never explained. The rest of the movie moved with similarly strange pace and none of the characters, good or bad, are likable or unlikable. 


Rachel Weisz as the lead was acceptable as she always is, but her performance is so rushed that she couldn't have done anything other than just being satisfactory, and mediocrity is not enough to carry a mess like this to the finishing line. The casting of Monica Bellucci was very bizarre also. Why cast an accomplished actress to play a role (the director of some agency) that had the screen time of less than 5 mins of the entire freaking film? The role holds no importance and you cast Monica freaking Bellucci to play it? Way to spend your budget Larysa Kondracki (director)!  


All in all, a mess of a film and certainly not worth your time to see it in the theater. Instead, use the movie's running time (112 mins) and look up the event yourself. You'd get way more out of the internet than the movie. You blew it,  "The Whistleblower", you blew it big time. My name is Danny and I endorse this message.

"The Ides of March"

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated 5 December 2011


It's almost as if I needed more ammo to be jealous of George "I have everything and can do everything" Clooney, along comes "The Ides of March", a political thriller about a presidential primary within the Democratic Party where a young upstart junior campaign manager named Stephen Meyers (Ryan Gosling) has to figure out how to survive the backstabbing and the bloodshed in order to achieve his ideals which he believes will change the nation for the better. 

The story itself really isn't intriguing enough to power itself en route to success. In fact, without its cast, the movie is at best a mediocre one. The plot line is more or less predictable and the twist, if it can be called one, lacks drama and tension. When the inevitable crisis happened, one is more intrigued on almost anything else happening in the movie than the crisis itself, and if the crisis couldnt take center stage when it is supposed to, than something needs fixing. Furthermore, the audience is never told why Gov Morris (Glooney) is supposed to be the savior and why Meyers believes in him with such ruthless conviction that he is willing to go as far as to compromise his own moral to help Morris take office. There are too many whys without enough answers, and that leaves the story effective, but just barely.

But star power means something in this star craving world of ours and with the hottest young actor around Ryan Gosling as well as George Clooney, the film really couldnt fail. Ryan Gosling (from the famed Canadian tv series Breaker High, my goodness he sure has come a long way) proves once again that he is a mega star in the making. Just by simply looking at his face you get the feeling that something more is going on than what meets the eyes, and that "something" is worth sitting through the entire movie for. Philip Seymour Hoffman and Paul Giamatti are flawless as always. If you want to see quality movies, here's a little tip: watch anything with these two in it, and you are guaranteed a great scene or more. It's a crime these two perennial acting powerhouse arent bigger than they are. And of course, George Clooney. All he had to do is just stand there and people will pay to watch him standing. Some fellow has all the luck.

"The Ides of March" is by no means a great movie, but it is powered solely on very very strong acting, and that is enough for me. My name is Danny and I endorse this message.